Call Upon The Holy Spirit

I feel like I'm suffocating. I honestly feel like I have no control over my mind sometimes. The thoughts that plague me are so intense, and sometimes so unrelenting, that I feel they will never end. I feel sometimes like I am going through an addiction that I am trying to break, and failing. I know that these thoughts are put in my mind by satan, the ultimate liar and deceiver, but there is no way that I can stop them sometimes. I try and read the Bible and pray, but sometimes nothing seems to work. And the frustrating thing is that one minute, it feel fine and in control, but the next I am completely consumed with feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness. Tonight I couldn't even think of one good thing about my personality. All I could think about was the negative side of it, and wonder why anyone would want to be friend with me. Satan kept pounding into my head thoughts like, "Why would anyone hang out with you, you have such a dead personality?" which I feel is true so often. So many people in my life are so happy and energetic. and then there is me. I can be energetic sometimes, but it happens so rarely that I sometimes forget what it feels like to be joyful. That is how I feel right now. Nothing about me feels like it would be captivating or appealing to anybody, especially to a potential boyfriend. I feel so... unattractive and boring, both look wise and with my personality. I am so frustrated because I feel like I have been making so much progress in my attempts to combat this self image problem that satan has plagued me with, but then there are nights like tonight when I am so unsure about everything, and it feels like the walls all come crashing down on the foundation that I have been trying so hard to build up. I know God does not want me to feel this way, but it seems so hard to get past this right now. I just want to lay in my bed and cry, but then I think that I can't do that because then I would just gain weight...and then I would think of myself as even less attractive. It seems like I have entered a never-ending cycle that I can't get out of, without them help of my Lord and savior. I know He has given me the Holy Spirit for times such as this, and I pray that I would be able to find and use the spirit within me tonight, and on many night like this one to come.

Homesick, but for what?

As I write today, I feel like I need to be somewhere else. I feel as if God is calling me to be somewhere where I feel more comfortable, and like I can serve Him and not get into a daily routine and rut. Somedays, I feel as if God has called me to be here in Chico, and this is truly where I should be to be serving Him to the best of my ability. I need to learn how to serve Him anywhere I am before I go out and serve Him in the world around me. But then somedays, like today, I feel like so many trivial and miniscule things get in my way here. Like today, for instance, I woke up in a horrible mood because of problems with my roommates. I feel so left out of their lives, and their daily activities. They do so many things together, just the two of them, and it hurts me so much when they don't invite me to do those things with them. I feel as if they have their own little club and I am not part of it. But when I think about this, I always think that if I was truly serving God and had my focus on Him, these small things would not be such of a big deal to me. Why do I have to get so upset about these things? And then I launched into an entirely different thought process, where it was completely my fault, and the reasons they don't include me must have something to do with me, and I am the one to blame. Then I begin to feel insecure, and try to analyze what it is about me that I am not doing correctly. I can't figure it out, though, and it seems as though I have gone through this thought process a hundred times. I never really considered myself an incredibly sensitive person, but the more I analyze it, the more I think I am. Little things get to me, and the main problem, I have discovered, is that I hold in all my emotions and feelings until I am about to burst, and then they all come flooding out. When they do, the person I explode at is usually confused as to why I am so upset, and it seems as though I have blown it out of proportion, which I'm sure I have. I just wish that I could feel more secure with who I am, and not constantly analyze and try to figure out what I did wrong. When I am focusing so much on relationships and trying to be accepted and liked by those around me, my relationship with God is taking a beating. I can't be as close to Him if I constantly have things in the way that are bogging me down, like I do now. I have discovered that I need to try and get things off of my chest as they occur, and not wait until later on, when it is too late to be affective. Like today, for example, I was really hurt because my roommates decided to dress up for a CRU event that we had last night. It was Western themed, but they wanted to be different, which I think it awesome. I came home yesterday to find them making costumes. When I asked them what they were doing, they said no one could know, because it was a surprise. I was really hurt that they hadn't even asked to include me. Would it really have been so hard to ask if I wanted to be involved as well? It's things like that that have made my living environment not completely comfortable to me. I wish I could just come back to my apartment and feel completely accepted and loved, like at my house at home, but I don't. Most of the time, I avoid coming home because I feel alienated and alone when I am here. I would rather surround myself with people who are actually interested in hanging out with me, and including me. I have begun to wonder lately if my roommates chose to live with me out of obligation, or convenience. It is cheaper to have a 3 bedroom apartment, especially since my best friend from home lives here too. They probably felt bad that I wouldn't have a place to live if I didn't live with them. I feel the same way with my roommate who is getting married. I feel like she just asked me to be in her wedding because she asked our other roommate, and she didn't want to leave me out. We have not connected at all this year, and it makes me wonder so much about their motives for so many things. I just wish God could place me instantly in a new situation that would be easier to follow Him in. I am so sick of being so distracted by things of this earth, and not fully giving myself over to God. I know He has placed me here to overcome these issues, instead of avoid them, but I feel so tired of being the only one that cares. I am at the point now where I want someone else to be the one who puts effort into a relationship with me, not just me. I feel like I have been giving so much of myself to others, and getting so little in return. I need to take time to be filled up again, rejuvenated through Christ, and then I can overcome these things...

Sorry it has bee na while since I last had time to write! These past three weeks have been crazy, but in an incredibly good way! God has been opening so many doors, and I feel He is giving me energy I never knew that I had to accomplish the tasks He has placed in front of me. CRU began two weeks ago, and we are having our third meeting tonight. God has blessed us with a large group this year, and I pray that they will all continue to come, even as the weeks and months go by. Also, small groups have begun, which has opened up another door of business for me. Being a co-leader, I was asked to help make all of the new freshman and transfer students in CRU feel welcome, but especially in my own Bible study. There are about 20 girls, and I have had the opportunity to talk to all of them at one point or another. Now, I am trying to build and deepen relationships even more by askign them out for coffee, or lunch. It has been amazing, and such a growing experience for me so far, and I pray that it continues to be in the future as well.
Classes have been going extremely well also. I dropped one of the classes I was initially signed up for, which means that I am only enrolled in 14 units, which is the least I have ever taken. It is amazing though, and I have been blessed so far with only minimum amounts of homework. I am also enjoying the classes I am taking, which helps make them oh so much more bearable. God has definitely blessed me in allowing me not to have too much homework to occupy my evenings and weekends, which makes much more time for social events.
As far as spiritually, I feel I have been doing ok. Not as well as I would like to be doing, but I have definitely been feeling God moving. I have not put enough time and effort into making time for God daily, which is something I feel I need to do more of, but I am working daily to try and set aside more time. I find that if I do my devotion first thing in the morning, I am more productive and focused all day long. If I wait until night time, I am usually too tired, or just don't feel like putting my remaining time and energy into deciphering the Bible. I am so blessed, though, because God has allowed me to be part of CRU's discipleship this semester, which ivolves me have a Bible study weekly with the CRU female leaders. We have only had one meeting so far, but it was so refreshing, and I can tell it is going to be a much needed time when I can be filled up by those Godly women God has placed in my life. I am also glad because the group I am in is very small, there are only 2 of us and then the leaders, which I really enjoy. I find I can connect so much more, and on so much more of a deeper level when I am only surrounded with a few people, than if it was a larger group.
CRU, school, and work are taking up the majority of my time, but I have also had so many opportunities to have fun, go hiking, go jet skiing, hang out with friends, and countless other things. This year is beginning to seem like a repeat of last year, only better and more comfortable, since I feel establishes now and able to step out and follow where God is leading me this year. My only concern is that I am taking on too much, as always, but so far I have been ok. Thankfully, I am managing my time pretty well, and for that I feel so grateful! God is good, and He provides and meets all of our needs! Have a blessed day :0)

The First Week

(Friday 8/29) This has been an incredibly tiring, but also fulfilling first week of school for me. Both in a physical and spiritual sense, I feel like God has been teaching me so much, stretching me, and revealing His plan for me. Starting Sunday, I have been meeting the new members of CRU, mainly freshman and transfer students and getting to know them. I can't even count the number of people I have gone up to and started conversations with, and the entire process has been so tiring! It is definitely not my first instinct to go up to people I don't even know and act outgoing and friendly, and to keep a conversation going. God has definitely been giving me strength and the words to speak, because I would not have lasted very long on my own! I have always been so afraid and timid when it comes to talking to new people, but for some reason I have been feeling strangely at peace and excited even to talk new people. Conversation has been something I always considered a weakness, but I know now that God has other plans for me. Just today I was reading in Exodus 3 and 4, where Moses was sent by God to Egypt to free the Israelites. As I read his excuses when summoned by God, I was taken back by how similar they appeared to my own. With God all things are possible, and He desires to use any willing heart to serve Him. Moses felt he was ill-equipped for the task that God has given him, but he ended up being used by God to do miraculous things. I feel as if God has been breaking me down to realize that I can be used, and I desire to be used, and if I allow God to stretch and use me, He will. Yesterday, for example, I went to Jon and Bon's with some of the CRU leaders and new girls from CRU. Then after, Annemarie and I stayed downtown at the Farmer's Market. We decided earlier this week we wanted to begin evangelizing, so we started last night. We prayed before we started, and during our prayer a lady sat down next to us. We decided that this was a sign from God to talk to her, so we went over and started a conversation. After a few minutes, Annemarie brought up CRU, and then we jumped into the new kind of evangelism we are trying out. It involves asking the person if they think they are a good person, then asking the person if they think they are a good person, then asking if we can judge that based on the Ten Commandments. After this, we asked if they think, based on their answer, that they're going to heaven. The story of Jesus comes in next. The first lady we talked to said no to the Ten Commandments question, but we still spent a few minutes chatting with her about the Bible and God. Then, we went to talk to another girl. It was now my turn to bring up CRU into the conversation. At first, I was nervous and stumbled over my words, a bit, but then I suddenly felt this change inside of me, and it was as if God was talking over, I don't even remember what I said, but I kept talking and asking questions. She seemed interested and even said she would try and come to CRU. After we left, I was filled with such joy of the Lord! I have never felt such a joyful feeling, and I felt as if this was what I was made for. God called us to tell others about Him, and the feeling it gave me was indescribable. God has been calling me to tell others about His name my entire Christian life, but only now did I fully try and listen and answer His call. I pray that yesterday would have been a turning point for me, and from now on I would feel overwhelmed by my strong desire to serve Him.

Restoring the Old Testament

For as long as I can remember, I have enjoyed reading the New Testament. I feel like it can be applied so easily to my life, and I can gather so much wisdom and knowledge for my daily life from its pages. The Old Testament, however, is like another book altogether. Every time I attempt to read it, I am lost and confused, and unsure of how it can be applicable to my life. The other day, though, I started to read Numbers, because for the past few months I have been convicted to start reading the Old Testament once again. I read through Genesis, and I was amazed at how much I learned! I had heard the stories of Abraham, Isaac, Jacob and Joseph countless times, but reading about all the details was much more insightful and helpful. Then, I decided to begin reading Numbers with a friend of mine, and as we were reading it, I was amazed at the details inside of its chapters. We read chapters 1 and 2, which were about the 12 tribes of Israel. I had never really thought about or studied the tribes before, but as I was reading about them, and taking in the details written, I was overcome with awe and amazement. A picture so clear came into my head that I was overwhelmed by the details of it. In Numbers, it says that the 12 tribes of Israel were camped next to Mt. Sinai after they were delivered from Egypt. They totaled 603,550 men over the age of 20. That is only men, not including children or women, or men who did not fight in the wars. For some reason, whenever I had thought about this story, I had pictured 23 tribes of about 50 to 100 people each, all camped out near each other. I never grasped the concept of that large of a group gathered together, being led through the desert by God and having the Ten Commandments delivered to them by Moses. No wonder God divided them into 12 different tribes! A group of that size would have been impossible to manage in one group. After reading these chapters, I began to think about all the other amazing stories in the Bible, and they became even more unbelievable before my eyes. I pictured millions of people being led out of Egypt, which would have later become these 12 tribes. I pictured the magnificent Ark after Noah had built it to fit 2 of each animal on the entire earth. Just because these events happened in Biblical times does not mean that the groups of people involved were small and insignificant. God was performing miracles, and He wanted as many people as possible to see them and come to believe in Him. I am so thankful that God gave me this amazing picture, and helped make the Old Testament real to me once again.

The New Covenant of Christ

This morning, I was reading chapter 8 of Hebrews, and it is an amazing chapter! In it, God describes the old and new covenants He made with His people. I had never really understood how different they were, until now. The old covenant was a list of rules and regulations used to guide the people of Israel, and to instruct them in how God wanted them to behave. The new covenant is an internal one, where God places the Holy Spirit inside of us, and it guides us to do what God desires for us to do. In reading this, I discovered several prominent changes between the old and new covenants. In the old covenant, for example, sacrifices were made by the people for their sins. Now, however, Christ sacrificed Himself so that we no longer have to sacrifice. The old covenant also focused on a physical building as the main holy place to enter into the presence of God, but now Christ reigns in each of our hearts. External standards and rules were the foundation of the old covenant, but in the new covenant, internal standards, and a new heart are what guides us. Forgiveness was earned in the old covenant, ad now it is given freely through Christ. Also, in the old covenant, only some were allowed to enter, strictly those who were not Gentiles. But now, God allows anyone and everyone to enter into His Kingdom. The change that sticks out the most to me, however, is the access to God that is available to us. In the old covenant, only the high priests were allowed to communicate with God, and even then it had to be in a very specific way. Now, we are all allowed to communicate with Christ, anywhere and anytime. How amazing is that!

After reading this chapter, I was struck by how thankful and blessed I am to be living in the time of the new covenant. I get to choose whether or not to accept Christ, and follow Him, and when I do, I a blessed with the Holy Spirit in return! What an incredible gift God grants to us. I think about all the people I have read about in the Old Testament, and I am mystified by how they serve and follow the Lord. I am always incredulous that they do not believe in God, time and time again, even though miracles are occuring all around them! It seems like a no brainer to me when, for example, a cloud is leading you by day out of Egypt, and a flame by night, that it is God, but the Israelites continued to falter. As I think more deeply about it, however, I realize that they did not have the Holy Spirit in them, telling them that it truly was God. I didn't realize how amazing the Holy Spirit really is until now. Without it, believing in Christ and His death and resurrection would simply be another theory that is thrown around, and people would search for the truth based on facts, and not faith. I am thankful that I do not have to search any longer, and that God has granted me the Holy Spirit through the new covenant He has made with all of His creations. He has truly written His laws in my mind and on my heart. If you are wondering what is so amazing about Christ's covenant, check it out in Hebrews 8: 7-12, and also in Jeremiah 31:31-34. Have a blessed day!

Contentment

I discovered today there is a difference between being content and being complacent. God tells us over and over again not to be complacent, or stuck in where we are. He wants us to branch out and find new things, try new things, and take chances for His sake. But, I think He also wants us to be content with where He has us currently in our lives. That is definitely something I struggle with often, and today I feel frusturated by it. For example, when I was home with my family, I wanted to be in Chico, and now that I've been in Chico for a little while, I want to be back home again. I feel like I should be able to be content and happy wherever God places me, but it is much harder for me to do than I imagined it would be. I feel like I am always seeking and searching for what I don't have, and I am sick of it. I want God to be in control of my life completely, and I want to feel full confidence in what He is doing in my life.
Relationship wise, for example, I have always been a bit challenged. When I begin to have feelings for someone, I get excited and want to spend time with them get to know them, and have me like them back. But as soon as I feel that they do in fact feel the same way, my feelings change, and it is no longer a chase, or a challenge. Up until recently, that had happened several times for me, but now I see the opposite way as well. If someone I like shows interest, and then begins to show a lack of interest once again, then I am once again intrigued and challenged. I don't think this is the way God wanted relationships to be, and I have been praying earnestly that He would change my views of this, and help me to be able to realize a healthy relationship when one comes my way.
I know this process of being content with what God has blessed me with, but still keeping myself from becoming complacent in my faith will be a process that takes time. God is faithful, however, and I am sure that He will guide me and help me find a perfect balance in this area, as in all others in my life. Until then, I pray I would not ruin relationships or anything else along the way!

Anticipation

As I sit in my apartment tonight, I feel unsettled. Not physically so. When you look around our apartment, it is actually really cute and homey, and I feel completely comfortable in it. When I say unsettled, I mean as far as my heart goes. Tonight, I spent about 2 1/2 hours listening to one of my good friends up here talk about her recent trip to El Salvador, and I couldn't help but feel jealous, and it sparked all kinds of emotions and thoughts within me. Yes, I know God desires for me to be here in Chico in this time of my life, but I also can't help but feel that He desires so much more for me than this normal life. I have spent my whole life dreaming of the crazy and exciting things I want to do for Him, but now when I am at the age where I could realistically be doing them, I am choosing not to. The whole idea of being here in Chico for years to come, or even in California for that matter, scares me. I don't want to settle down in one area and be complacent with it. I want to move and see the world, experience new places and adventures, and come to rely fully on Christ. It is so easy for me to get used to my routine, and stay where I am in both my relationships with other people, and in my relationship with God. I lose my drive and energy, and life becomes unappealing. Already, I feel as if Chico has lost a but if its appeal to me, just because it isn't new and different anymore. I feel as if I am limiting myself, and God, by staying here and not branching out. Although I am going to stay in Chico another three semesters, God willing, I know I need to continue to take steps for God. I need to reach out and deepen relationships with those around me, and make a conscious effort to keep my relationship with Christ alive and growing as well. This past week, I have felt so comfortable just going through daily life, having casual conversations with friends, skimming my Bible, and praying occasionally. That is definitely not a pattern I wish to continue. God desires so much more for me, and all I need to do is find the passion within myself that is so easily lost. It is still there, beneath the surface, waiting to be awakened once again, though the Holy Spirit living in me. I pray tonight that God would mold and teach me how to be fully awake through Him.

Beautiful Day

Today definitely was a beautiful day. Some friends and I decided to go to Bear Hole in upper Bidwell park for part of the afternoon, and it was amazing. Not only was there a surplus of rocks to jump off of into the creek, we also ended up having a Bible study and prayer session. Being outdoors in God's creations, reading His Word and praying for my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ was an amazing feeling. God definitely is stirring up new desires in me to make the most of every opportunity that presents itself to me. God wants us to do all for His glory, and today I feel like I did. It could have just been a fun time to hang out with my friends at the creek, go swimming and talk about nothing in particular, but instead, we turned it into a time that strengthened all of us, both in our relationships with Christ and with each other. This is a very unique time in our lives when we have time to do things like this, and time to sit around and talk abut God. When I thought about college, I always pictured people sitting around having great philosophical discussions, but now that I am submerged in a college atmosphere, I want to look back and say I had amazing spiritual discussions with people close to me, and also that I shared my faith with those around me. God does not call us only to have meaningless and comfortable friendships with those around us, but to truly know the heart of our friends, their struggles and joys, problems and triumphs, and be able to pray and read the Bible with them through eery circumstance. This is truly what I want for the upcoming year. I want my friends to know they can turn to me with any problem that arises, and I will be there. God has called us to be brothers and sisters in Christ, and I think of that as a duty to one another, to grow and to love. I pray God will continue to fill me with these desires, and that I will be able to pass them on to others. For now, I pray I will have many days like today, where an ordinary day can turn into a beautiful day :0)

Chico!

(Written 8-6-08)
I have now arrived in Chico, and I am settling into my apartment! It is only Amy and I up here right now, but we are having a great time introducing her to my friends and hanging out. This new step in independence is new and exciting, and also fun so far. Tonight, we had some girls from CRU over for dinner, which was great, and definitely made us feel grown up. Having my own apartment and paying for everything on my own and managing my own money, definitely makes me feel so much more appreciative of all my parents have done, and continue to do for me. Just being here since Sunday, I have been amazed at how muh work it is! i can't even imagine not having the amazing support system growing up that I had. God blessed me with examples of godly parents and leaders of our house, and I am beginning to see how that will come into play in my future. I can't even begin to fathom what having my own family would be like, but I know God is using this time in my life to prepare me for whatever the road He has chosen for me is to come. Somedays, I feel as if I could run a household on my own, and have children soon, if God willed it, but then other days, I feel as if God is telling me to wait, and I feel I have so much to do before that time comes. Since coming to Chico again, my thoughts have wandered often to romantic aspects and wishes, and I can feel my girlish desires overtaking my usual peace and patience. If I think abut it logically, I know I am competent in being by myself, and I am usually trusting that God has an ultimate plan for my life. Other days, however, things as simple as a couple together, or a romantic movie will spark selfish desires and wants for a relationship that I do not usually have. There is still so much I feel God has for me to do before I am in a serious relationship, but at the same time, He continues to give me the desire to be in one. I will never understand these emotions of mine fully, or how they work, and I feel like the safest route for me currently would be to stay focused on what is currently my life, and leave the future entirely to God, where it rightfully should be.

Live Like You Were Dying

So I went skydiving yesterday, for the second time, and it was amazing. Although the entire process took 4 hours, and it was about 110 degrees out, it was still an incredible experience, and one that I am quickly becoming addicted to! Yesterday was my Grandpa Larry's 75th birthday, and he said he would go skydiving with me! So, we made an appointment for 2:00 PM. When we got there, we signed all kinds of paperwork to ensure that we wouldn't sue the company or anything like that. Then began the waiting. I was thinking we would make our jump at about 3:30 or so, and I had told my Mom and other family members to arrive around 3 or 3:15 to be sure they didn't miss it. Well, to make a long story short, we did not jump until about 5:30. My Grandpa was actually fairly patient through the entire ordeal, which does not usually happen. It was such a fun experience this time, as opposed to New Zealand, because I had 10 people watching me on the ground who were all my relatives and could wave and cheer. Also, this time when I jumped out, my instructor did about 10 flips through our freefall, which made it much different and faster! It was so fun to be able to do something so unique and fun with my Grandpa. After the jump, we went out to eat at this mexican place nearby, and I became overcome with sadness. As I sat next to Cari, my sister, I was hit by the fact that I would no longer be seeing her everyday. After we ate, my Dad and I took off for Mammoth Lakes, after saying goodbye. My Mom and I actually ended on a good note, which is what I had been praying for all along. My aunt and uncle from New Zealand are staying here, and so we are here until tomorrow morning.
On the way up here last night, my Dad and I had a lot of time to talk. We talked a lot about my Mom and the problems that seem to come up and develop often. As we were talking, a reality hit me. My Mom is such a worrier that she runs her life and her decisions based on her fears. I never want to be like that, and my Mom will never figure out why that is. My Mom and I will never be able to fully understand each other. But as I was listening to my Dad, I realized that I want my life to be spontaneous and God-led. I want to do things like go to Europe, try opening a restaurant, move to a foreign country, learn how to skydive on my own, and countless other things. My Mom will never understand why I want to do all these things, but I think we have come to the point where we realize how different we are, and can accept it. I know God has not called me to have a normal, similar life. He has placed such a desire on my heart to do unique things, and go different places. I would love to be so connected with Christ that I know where He want me to go, and what He desires for me to do. I pray that I will be able to follow the desires and plans that God has for me. For now, I feel God is calling me to Chico, and I feel He has a lot He wants me to accomplish while I am in Chico. After that, I have so many desires that I don't even know how I will be able to sort through it, but I know God will help me!

Leaving Menifee

So today is my last day in Menifee, and I am both sad and excited. I am so excited to be back in Chico with my friends, and to have my best friend Amy moving up with me. I know God has a lot in store for me this upcoming year, and I am excited to start and see where He leads me! At the same time, I am sad to be leaving home. My sister and I have gotten so close this summer, and I know it will be hard on both of us to be apart for so long. Although my Mom and I have had a lot of difficult moments this summer, I feel like we are ending on a good note, which is what I hoped and prayed for. I went to the beach Wednesday with two of my longtime high school friends, and that was amazing. I got to talk to both of them and connect spiritually, and that is also what I had been praying for. So, in a lot of ways, I feel like this is a good time for me to transition from Menifee to Chico. God has taught me so much this summer, and although it has not been the most fun-filled or exciting time ever, I think it was necessary for my growth and development, both spiritually and physically. God has revealed Himself to me in ways that I never could have imagined, and I feel equipped and ready to start a new chapter of Chico life, one that will be guided and filled fully with Christ. 

Being with my family this summer has left me, as I said, with mixed emotions. I feel like a part of me cannot wait to be free of the strictness that is unavoidable when I am home with them, and have my own freedom. The other part of me is a bit scared to be completely on my own, 10 hours from home. This year will be so much easier for me, now that I have a strong friend base in Chico, but it is still the first time I will be completely self- sufficient. My parents gave me the money that was in my college fund, so now I am handling my finances completely too, which is a bit overwhelming. I guess this is what adulthood feels like, and although I am excited at the thought, there is a part of me that still wishes for the innocence of childhood. But, all good things must come to an end, and I am so ready for this next step in my life. The only thing I feel like I have left to do in Menifee is...SKYDIVING TODAY!!!!!! Woo hoo I am going skydiving with my Grandpa today for his 75th birthday and I am stoked! Please pray we have a safe jump! 

Bear His Light (7/25)

Written 7/25:

This has been an incredible week for me up here in Idyllwild. I have had so many spiritual moments, and I have also had a lot of fun hanging out with the people up here. God has been speaking to me in several ways. Firstly, through my book Captivating, which I finished last night. God has revealed to me that I need to love and respect my Mom. This has been reassured last night in our Bible study, which was directed at living a Christian life and setting an example in love. Now don't get me wrong, I love my Mom , but most of the time, I do not like being around her. I have been praying and asking God to reveal to me why I feel this way, so I can change it. I know it will not be an easy process, but I also know that with God, anything is possible. A second thing God has revealed to me was last night, through one of the employees up here, Julia. We had just finished group Bible study and Julia led us in worship. Then, she said she felt she was supposed to share something with us. She began to tell us how she wants to be like the donkey on Palm Sunday who carried Jesus on his back. At first, I was a bit puzzled, but then as she explained, I got goosebumps by the clearness of her vision. She said that the donkey got to be a part of a huge celebration, got to walk about and be fanned by the leaves. The donkey himself will not be remembered for anything, other than carrying Christ. No one will remember the color of the donkey, or the name- only his duty to carry Christ. Wow, what an amazing picture! God wants us to carry Him and His name around everywhere we go. People should not remember us, but the light we bear. Julia also said that we are like alabaster, or clay, boxes. Nothing beautiful to look at, but holding the greatest treasures inside. We are nothing special without Christ, and His treasure is irreplaceable. These thoughts stuck with me long after we had moved on to lighter subjects. Would people who know me say I am like that donkey, or the box? Do I really carry Christ and represent Him in my speech and life? I know God desires me to, and I pray I would grow and learn more of how to be an example for Christ. I think the first step I need to take is to be a godly daughter to my Mom. I pray God will give me the words and strength in the next week that I am home to make changes that will show my Mom how much I value and appreciate her. 

Draw Near To God (7-20)

Written 7/20:

Most of us have heard a sermon, or read on our own, James chapter 4, verse 8, which says "Draw near to God, and He will raw near to you." Up until tonight, however, I had not fully grasped the meaning behind this verse, and the entire chapter 4 of James, which is basically instructions on how to draw near to God. Verse 4 hit me right where I was tonight when it said that friendship with the world makes you an enemy of God. The world is full of humanly pleasure, and this pleasure keeps us from God. I realize now that I have been trying for o long to draw near to God, to feel Him in all aspects of my life. In the meantime, however, I have been becoming friends with the world. I find pleasure and joy in things of this earth much more often than I do with God and His word. I wasn't even planning on digging through the Scriptures tonight to find out how to draw near to God, but after reading this chapter, I am amazed at the simplicity God wrote in to show us how to truly understand Him. According to James, there are 5 ways in which we draw near to God: 1.) humble yourselves before God, 2.) resist the devil, 3.) wash your hands and purify your hearts, 4.) let there be sorrow and deep grief for your sins, 5.) humble yourselves before God and He will exalt you. Funny how humbling ourselves before God is mentioned twice. I've never actually thought about what it means, and requires of us to be humble before God. He wants us to present ourselves as mere mortals, thankful and amazed at His masterpieces and power. I think of humility as presenting myself just the way that He made me, and showing God my sinful nature and weaknesses so He can help me move past them  and be forgiven. How can I expect to draw near to Him if I have friendship with the world? This world is not our home, our home is in heaven with Jesus, and we were only placed on this earth to share His glory with all mankind. This act also requires complete humility; we cannot do it for our glory, but for Christ. I need to end my friendships with the world. I need to stop seeking approval and forgiveness from mere humans and turn to the Master, the Creator. His opinion of me is all that should matter, and His friendship should trump all others. I thanks God for revealing this to me tonight, and for giving me this week of reflection and solitude up here in Idyllwild to dig deeper and find more about my Creator. Because the more I know about Him, the deeper our friendship can become. 

3 Steps Back

I spent this week working in the mountains. I had an amazing week, really. I worked a lot of hours, I got to spend a lot of time hanging out with friends, and I had amazing spiritual times with God. I felt like when I got back, things would be so much better with my Mom. I had been praying all week for God to help me get through to her somehow, and to bless our times together, especially since we only have one week left. Yesterday was a good day, too. I went and sat on her bed and talked to her for about an hour first thing in the morning, we went and saw a movie, and we went for a walk. Then today, I was supposed to go play tennis with my brother, Rick, at about 2:00, so I went in to weight myself about 10 minutes ago. Unfortunately, I had lost a few pounds from working in the mountains. I told Rick I couldn't play tennis, and then my Mom asked me why I wasn't. I told her I didn't weigh enough, according to her standards. She got fuming mad, yelled at me that I haven't been keeping my word, and stormed out of the room. I was so frustrated and upset that I screamed back at her. I am just so sick of this same conversation, over and over. Especially after I had such a great week. I just don't know how much longer I can stand being at home. I have prayed so hard and so long for my Mom and I to get along, and I feel like today we took another 3 steps backwards. I just don't understand how it is ever going to get any better. I know God desires for us to be close, but I am so sick of her trying to run every single thing in my life. I  am honestly trying to work on my weight so I can be healthier, but I get so frustrated when she yells at me. It was a huge step for me to say that I can't play tennis today, even though I love it so much. Just that alone shows how far God has helped me to come. But all she sees is the stupid number, and I am so sick of it. I think I need to leave my house right now and go somewhere alone. I need time to think and recuperate before I say something else that I will regret afterwards. Only God will be able to help me from completely blowing up at my Mom. Please pray that I can hold in y emotions and God can quiet my heart today. 

Prayer Needed

Today was a good day, one of the best I've had in a while. And I can't even pinpoint exactly what it was that made today more superior than the ones I've been having. My day was filled mostly with watching old family videos, which were hysterical, playing tennis with my family, and watching a movie with my family. Something about watching those videos gave me a different perspective on my future, and past, today. How weird it must be for my Mom to have watched those videos with us today. For her, I'm sure it seems like only yesterday that we were so young and in need of her constant care. She has told me over and over that those were some of the happiest days of her life. She loves, as most women do, to be needed by her family. Looking at those videos today, I was overcome once again with what an amazing mother she has been,  and still is today. Sometime I lose complete sight of that, since I am no longer in the stage of my life where I need and rely on her for the minor and daily things in my life. But I realized today that I still do need her, maybe more importanly than ever. I need her for my future, and for my present life as well. I turn to her for all the major decisions in my life, and her advice is vital in all decisions I have made in the past. Looking at a younger version of myself and my siblings today, I was overcome at the huge responsibility motherhood is, and although I feel equipped to enter into that role someday, I know there are going to be a million questions to ask her daily about this medicine, and this and that. She is so wise and experienced, and  she loves us with such an unconditional and passionate love. Today I imagined for a moment what my future would be like if something were to happen to my mother, and the thought scared me, and made me realize how blessed I am by God. He has given me such an amazing mother, and one that I can look up to. That is why I ask for prayer today, for anyone who might be reading this. My Mom has been experiencing constant headaches for about 2 years now, and she finally went in to the doctor on Saturday for an MRI. The results came back today that there is some white mass spreading in her brain. The doctors are unsure of what it is, but he ruled out a tumor or cancer, which were my first and worst thoughts when my Mom told me this morning. Now, my Mom needs to go see a radiologist and find out what is causing the pain and spreading in her brain. I know God has this situation under control, and I pray that by finding out what is causing the pain in my Mom's head they will be able to treat it. It is still a bit unsettling, however, not to know what it is, and how potentially dangerous it could be. The Lord works all things out according to His plan, and I trust Him now as I always have. I just pray that He would ease my Mom's heart as well as she awaits the final verdict in this situation. She tends to worry extensively, and I pray that this time she would find a peace within herself from God to carry her through this situation. I think this whole situation will help me realize how blessed my life is, and how miniscule my problems are in comparison with others around me. God desires for me to be more concerned and focused on my Mom, and others suffering life- threatening or severe conditions, and not on my body and my self image. He is continuing to mold me into a more confident and outward focused person, rather than consumed with my own worldly thoughts and desires. And for that, I am so thankful for His molding. He is the potter, and I strive everyday to be flexible enough to be His clay. Whatever He desires to make me into, I pray I will be willing to comply. 

Fun to Frusturation

     I just got back from an amazing weekend in the mountains backpacking with my Dad. It was awesome weather, campsites, and hiking all around. We left Friday afternoon, camped a few miles up the trail Friday night, hiked to the top of Mt. San Jacinto Saturday, and then hiked down today. It was an incredible time of reflection and relaxation for me, in the midst of the humid uphill hiking, and it was great to get to spend time with and talk  to my Dad. We are so much alike in so many ways, and talking to him gives me so much insight into my own life and my own personality and flaws. Thankfully, we didn't talk about my weight or exercising at all, which was a nice reprieve, but we did talk a lot about the Bible, God, relationships, and my future. Being in the mountains was such a peaceful experience for me, and coming back to real life is a bit of a bummer. I wish I could stay up there all the time, but reality must come into play at some time. Unfortunately, from about the moment I got home, the problems with my Mom started up again. It is so frusturating for me, and for her I imagine, how we can't get along. I admit, I am a bit closed with her, because I feel she is so hard to talk to, and our personalities are so opposite. But I think God is revealing to me that I need to work past these problems and get to the root of why my Mom and I can't live in harmony with one another. She was upset today because my Dad and I hadn't called her when we got to our campsite Friday night. We tried about 5 times, but there was no reception. She went on to say that we never think about her, and all the other arguments and emotions that come out whenever conflict arises. I think God really needs to help me to learn how to relate to my Mom, and how to comfort and reassure her that yes, I do think about and love her. But honestly, only with God's help will I be able to make any progress. 

     On a happier note, today is my sister Cari's 14th birthday, and we are all going out to dinner and church tonight to celebrate. I can't believe she is 14 already! I am so thankful to be here with her to help celebrate this happy day. Cari and I have gotten a lot closer this summer, and we have spent a lot more time together, talking and playing games, and everything else. It will be a lot harder for me to say goodbye to her in a few weeks than it has been in the past, but I am so thankful God has opened up our relationship into something much deeper. If only He could help my Mom and I.

Renounce the Agreements

Today I am up in Idyllwild working at the summer camp I worked at last summer. For some reason, this place always reconnects me with God in amazing way, and today is no exception. I think it is probably the mountains that surround the camp, and the quiet times I get to have without distractions with the Lord. As I was doing my devotion a few minutes ago, I read part of the book I am in called "Captivating" that hit me right where I was at today. The author was saying that we have to renounce the agreements we have made with the world. She gave an example prayer that said, "Jesus, forgive me for embracing these lies. This is not what you have said to me. You said I am your daughter, your beloved, your cherished one. I renounce the arguments I made with the world in thinking I am not pretty enough/ skinny enough. I renounce the agreements I've been making with these messages for years. Bring the truth here, oh Spirit of truth, I reject these lies." I realized as I read this how true it is for me. I have come to believe that society is correct in its skewed image of beauty, and if I don't fit it then I must not be beautiful. The world and worldly things have had a much stronger hold on me than I wanted to admit. Now, however, God is showing me that these messages are wrong. God made everyone different, and we are not all destined to be model- skinny. He created us beautifully in His image, and He thinks we are perfectly made. His opinion is the only one that matters, I thank God that I am now starting to understand and appreciate the worth I have in Christ Jesus. Once I realize this worth I know I will be able to pass the knowledge and understanding He has taught me on to others, and that will be an even greater blessing. (Written Wednesday, 7/9) 

Progress

Today felt like a day of progress! I definitely feel as if I am slowly, but surely, learning how to overcome satan's power in my life, and it feels amazing. I am now at the goal weight that I am supposed to be at, or almost there, and I feel good about it. I know that 5 pounds is not going to make a difference looks wise, but it may be a good change for my health. I think it was overcoming those anxious and worldly feelings about the number of pounds I weighed. I know now that if it benefits my health in the long term, then it is definitely worth gaining extra weight. I feel as if I have come so far in such a short time, and it feels so uplifting. After the draining and depressed week that I had previous to this weekend, it is great to feel as if I am letting God take control of my life, and not leaving it to satan. Tonight, at about 10:00, I was even able to eat a big bowl of cereal and not feel guilty about it being late and being too many calories before bed. I realize now that God does not want me to live this way. Yes, He wants me to be healthy and eat a healthy and balanced diet, but it should not consume my thoughts too much, or limit what I do and eat all the time. Everything in moderation should be the motto I use more often that my previous one of you don't need to eat that. My brain has been so trained into saying that over and over to myself, and denying my body the calories that it needs to function at its peak level. God is definitely opening my eyes to His plans for me, and I can already tell how great and glorifying they are going to be. I don't want my mind to be consumed with thoughts of food and how to limit fat and calories, but on God and how to serve Him best! 

Genuine Beauty

I think most women would say they are dissatisfied with their bodies in some sense. There are few women who have come to accept themselves for the beautiful creation that God made them. I am definitely one of those women who struggles daily to understand and accept that God made me the way that I am for a reason. I know He has a plan through my life, and that includes every detail of my life, every hair on my head, and every other part of my body. He wants me to be satisfied with the way He made me, and not try to change or go against His plan for me. I am currently reading a book called "Captivating" by Stasi Eldredge, and it is amazing how much it parallels what I am going through at this time. My struggle involves admitting to myself, and more importantly, to God, that I accept the way He created me, and I value my health more than my physical appearance. The devil has created lies that flood my head all day long and tell me that I am not thin enough, and gaining weight would change the opinions of everyone around me. I am slowly trying to fight against the lies that satan is telling me, and I know I can, with God's help. In 'Captivating", the author writes about the age-old question that every girl asks herself, and needs to answer, to become comfortable and accepting of her own beauty. Women ask themselves, "am I lovely?", or "Do people think I am beautiful?". Sadly, however, most women doubt that they even have beauty to unveil and be seen. I am definitely one who does not believe I am beautiful. For my entire life, my parents have told me I was beautiful, and my dad even calls me "gorgeous" at all times. Coming from them, however, I felt that it was a conditioned response- something they were required to say as parents. Somehow, no matter how many times I heard them tell me I was beautiful, I still sought after worldly beauty, which involved mainly being thin. I thrive on people telling me I look good, or that I am lucky to be so skinny. I never thought about the fact that by keeping myself thinner to fit the world's standards, I was going against God's desire for me. When we try and control things in our lives, we are refusing to trust that God is correct. By trying to keep myself thinner than what is healthy for my body, I am arguing that God did not create me in His image, and that I am perfect in His eyes. It has taken me a long time to reach the place where I can actually write and understand this concept, but I am beginning to see it more and more each day. God is amazing, and I can feel His presence so strongly in my life; guiding me to where I need to be to surrender all areas of my life to Him. Praise be to God, and His patience and understanding. Without it, I would be lost. 

Breaking Free

From the last time I wrote, sadly not much has changed. I still feel confused, unsure of what to do, and weary of trying to change. I know change will be beneficial in the long run, but at this moment, I wish I could just ignore everything my parents are yelling at me, and just live my life as I want to live it. God is slowly showing me, however, that my way of living is not working to the best of my ability. When my health begins to suffer because of the choices I make, whether I want to admit it or not, I need to make changes to help alter the path I am going down. I wish I didn't have this struggle, but I do, and there is no way to overcome it except through prayer, reading of the Bible, and daily making an effort to draw closer to God and listen to His will for me. Right now, I feel as if I am breaking free of an addiction. And no, I don't want to never do the things I love to do, but I want to learn how to find a balance in my life. Only through this balance will I be able to maintain my health and the lifestyle choices that I enjoy. The thing that is frusturating me the most today is my parent's rules for me. They have made standards that I need to reach before I can return to my normal routine. I am frusturated, and feel  as if I am being treated as a young child once again. I don't want to have to force myself to do something only to please them. I want to do it because I feel God telling me to. I think that is one of the biggest problems I have; admitting to myself that a change is necessary. No matter how many times I tell myself that it is a small change, and no significant negative reprocussions will be caused by it, I can't help but feel frantic at the thought of it. Yes, it is a small change, but when I have been focusing my energy for so long on not allowing this change to happen in my life and in my body, it is hard to turn around and admit that I need to, and to do it. I have been telling my parents for the past 6-9 months that I will make the change they asked me to gradually, but I never have. Why is that? Why am I so scared of this change? The devil has such a hold on my thoughts that he has mutated me into thinking that this change will alter the way people look at and view me, as a person on both the inside and especially on the outside. Logically thinking about this, I know that it is not true. My true friends and family would not care at all. When I think the situation through, I know this, but somehow thinking about it always sends shivers down my spine. If only there wasn't so much pressure in our society to be thin, I don't know that this issue would be so important and consuming to me. But, the sad truth is, that it is and I feel at a loss. Please continue to pray for me. I feel so confused, and unsure of what  to do next. More to come. 

Captivity

At the moment, I feel as if I am in captivity. Satan currently has a strong hold on many aspects of my life, and up until the other day, I had been denying it for some time. As much as I wanted to make excuses for myself and admit that I had all matters, especially one, under control, I didn't, and I definitely don't today. God has been working on my heart for sometime, and I know now that He was trying to get me to admit that what I thought was control was actually obsession. Where I crossed the line and let satan take control of my life, I don't know, but now I find myself at a strange crossroads. I have to choose whether to fight against satan and resist what he is telling me, and listen to what God and my parents are saying. Up until yesterday, I laughed at my parent's worries and concerns, but last night and today, in the midst of my tears and wild run of emotions, I know that they were right all along. My view of myself and my life are skewed, and God has and is continuing to make that clear to me, with time. It will definitely be a long process for me, and a tough one not to fall back into, but I know God can help me through anything, especially this. He desires for me to be free of obsessions and captivity so I can fully serve Him. I don't want anything holding me back, and at the moment, this area of my life definitely is. The argument I had with my parents and my emotional breakdown are both too fresh in my mind currently to write any specifics on my situation, but eventually I will be able to. If you are reading this, please pray for me and my convictions. I want to hear God's voice speaking to my heart, and not have the devil and his lies be in the way. I plan on writing a lot more about this issue, and any others. It is so freeing for me to get my thoughts and emotions out onto paper. Thanks for reading