Breaking Free

From the last time I wrote, sadly not much has changed. I still feel confused, unsure of what to do, and weary of trying to change. I know change will be beneficial in the long run, but at this moment, I wish I could just ignore everything my parents are yelling at me, and just live my life as I want to live it. God is slowly showing me, however, that my way of living is not working to the best of my ability. When my health begins to suffer because of the choices I make, whether I want to admit it or not, I need to make changes to help alter the path I am going down. I wish I didn't have this struggle, but I do, and there is no way to overcome it except through prayer, reading of the Bible, and daily making an effort to draw closer to God and listen to His will for me. Right now, I feel as if I am breaking free of an addiction. And no, I don't want to never do the things I love to do, but I want to learn how to find a balance in my life. Only through this balance will I be able to maintain my health and the lifestyle choices that I enjoy. The thing that is frusturating me the most today is my parent's rules for me. They have made standards that I need to reach before I can return to my normal routine. I am frusturated, and feel  as if I am being treated as a young child once again. I don't want to have to force myself to do something only to please them. I want to do it because I feel God telling me to. I think that is one of the biggest problems I have; admitting to myself that a change is necessary. No matter how many times I tell myself that it is a small change, and no significant negative reprocussions will be caused by it, I can't help but feel frantic at the thought of it. Yes, it is a small change, but when I have been focusing my energy for so long on not allowing this change to happen in my life and in my body, it is hard to turn around and admit that I need to, and to do it. I have been telling my parents for the past 6-9 months that I will make the change they asked me to gradually, but I never have. Why is that? Why am I so scared of this change? The devil has such a hold on my thoughts that he has mutated me into thinking that this change will alter the way people look at and view me, as a person on both the inside and especially on the outside. Logically thinking about this, I know that it is not true. My true friends and family would not care at all. When I think the situation through, I know this, but somehow thinking about it always sends shivers down my spine. If only there wasn't so much pressure in our society to be thin, I don't know that this issue would be so important and consuming to me. But, the sad truth is, that it is and I feel at a loss. Please continue to pray for me. I feel so confused, and unsure of what  to do next. More to come.