Bear His Light (7/25)

Written 7/25:

This has been an incredible week for me up here in Idyllwild. I have had so many spiritual moments, and I have also had a lot of fun hanging out with the people up here. God has been speaking to me in several ways. Firstly, through my book Captivating, which I finished last night. God has revealed to me that I need to love and respect my Mom. This has been reassured last night in our Bible study, which was directed at living a Christian life and setting an example in love. Now don't get me wrong, I love my Mom , but most of the time, I do not like being around her. I have been praying and asking God to reveal to me why I feel this way, so I can change it. I know it will not be an easy process, but I also know that with God, anything is possible. A second thing God has revealed to me was last night, through one of the employees up here, Julia. We had just finished group Bible study and Julia led us in worship. Then, she said she felt she was supposed to share something with us. She began to tell us how she wants to be like the donkey on Palm Sunday who carried Jesus on his back. At first, I was a bit puzzled, but then as she explained, I got goosebumps by the clearness of her vision. She said that the donkey got to be a part of a huge celebration, got to walk about and be fanned by the leaves. The donkey himself will not be remembered for anything, other than carrying Christ. No one will remember the color of the donkey, or the name- only his duty to carry Christ. Wow, what an amazing picture! God wants us to carry Him and His name around everywhere we go. People should not remember us, but the light we bear. Julia also said that we are like alabaster, or clay, boxes. Nothing beautiful to look at, but holding the greatest treasures inside. We are nothing special without Christ, and His treasure is irreplaceable. These thoughts stuck with me long after we had moved on to lighter subjects. Would people who know me say I am like that donkey, or the box? Do I really carry Christ and represent Him in my speech and life? I know God desires me to, and I pray I would grow and learn more of how to be an example for Christ. I think the first step I need to take is to be a godly daughter to my Mom. I pray God will give me the words and strength in the next week that I am home to make changes that will show my Mom how much I value and appreciate her. 

Draw Near To God (7-20)

Written 7/20:

Most of us have heard a sermon, or read on our own, James chapter 4, verse 8, which says "Draw near to God, and He will raw near to you." Up until tonight, however, I had not fully grasped the meaning behind this verse, and the entire chapter 4 of James, which is basically instructions on how to draw near to God. Verse 4 hit me right where I was tonight when it said that friendship with the world makes you an enemy of God. The world is full of humanly pleasure, and this pleasure keeps us from God. I realize now that I have been trying for o long to draw near to God, to feel Him in all aspects of my life. In the meantime, however, I have been becoming friends with the world. I find pleasure and joy in things of this earth much more often than I do with God and His word. I wasn't even planning on digging through the Scriptures tonight to find out how to draw near to God, but after reading this chapter, I am amazed at the simplicity God wrote in to show us how to truly understand Him. According to James, there are 5 ways in which we draw near to God: 1.) humble yourselves before God, 2.) resist the devil, 3.) wash your hands and purify your hearts, 4.) let there be sorrow and deep grief for your sins, 5.) humble yourselves before God and He will exalt you. Funny how humbling ourselves before God is mentioned twice. I've never actually thought about what it means, and requires of us to be humble before God. He wants us to present ourselves as mere mortals, thankful and amazed at His masterpieces and power. I think of humility as presenting myself just the way that He made me, and showing God my sinful nature and weaknesses so He can help me move past them  and be forgiven. How can I expect to draw near to Him if I have friendship with the world? This world is not our home, our home is in heaven with Jesus, and we were only placed on this earth to share His glory with all mankind. This act also requires complete humility; we cannot do it for our glory, but for Christ. I need to end my friendships with the world. I need to stop seeking approval and forgiveness from mere humans and turn to the Master, the Creator. His opinion of me is all that should matter, and His friendship should trump all others. I thanks God for revealing this to me tonight, and for giving me this week of reflection and solitude up here in Idyllwild to dig deeper and find more about my Creator. Because the more I know about Him, the deeper our friendship can become. 

3 Steps Back

I spent this week working in the mountains. I had an amazing week, really. I worked a lot of hours, I got to spend a lot of time hanging out with friends, and I had amazing spiritual times with God. I felt like when I got back, things would be so much better with my Mom. I had been praying all week for God to help me get through to her somehow, and to bless our times together, especially since we only have one week left. Yesterday was a good day, too. I went and sat on her bed and talked to her for about an hour first thing in the morning, we went and saw a movie, and we went for a walk. Then today, I was supposed to go play tennis with my brother, Rick, at about 2:00, so I went in to weight myself about 10 minutes ago. Unfortunately, I had lost a few pounds from working in the mountains. I told Rick I couldn't play tennis, and then my Mom asked me why I wasn't. I told her I didn't weigh enough, according to her standards. She got fuming mad, yelled at me that I haven't been keeping my word, and stormed out of the room. I was so frustrated and upset that I screamed back at her. I am just so sick of this same conversation, over and over. Especially after I had such a great week. I just don't know how much longer I can stand being at home. I have prayed so hard and so long for my Mom and I to get along, and I feel like today we took another 3 steps backwards. I just don't understand how it is ever going to get any better. I know God desires for us to be close, but I am so sick of her trying to run every single thing in my life. I  am honestly trying to work on my weight so I can be healthier, but I get so frustrated when she yells at me. It was a huge step for me to say that I can't play tennis today, even though I love it so much. Just that alone shows how far God has helped me to come. But all she sees is the stupid number, and I am so sick of it. I think I need to leave my house right now and go somewhere alone. I need time to think and recuperate before I say something else that I will regret afterwards. Only God will be able to help me from completely blowing up at my Mom. Please pray that I can hold in y emotions and God can quiet my heart today. 

Prayer Needed

Today was a good day, one of the best I've had in a while. And I can't even pinpoint exactly what it was that made today more superior than the ones I've been having. My day was filled mostly with watching old family videos, which were hysterical, playing tennis with my family, and watching a movie with my family. Something about watching those videos gave me a different perspective on my future, and past, today. How weird it must be for my Mom to have watched those videos with us today. For her, I'm sure it seems like only yesterday that we were so young and in need of her constant care. She has told me over and over that those were some of the happiest days of her life. She loves, as most women do, to be needed by her family. Looking at those videos today, I was overcome once again with what an amazing mother she has been,  and still is today. Sometime I lose complete sight of that, since I am no longer in the stage of my life where I need and rely on her for the minor and daily things in my life. But I realized today that I still do need her, maybe more importanly than ever. I need her for my future, and for my present life as well. I turn to her for all the major decisions in my life, and her advice is vital in all decisions I have made in the past. Looking at a younger version of myself and my siblings today, I was overcome at the huge responsibility motherhood is, and although I feel equipped to enter into that role someday, I know there are going to be a million questions to ask her daily about this medicine, and this and that. She is so wise and experienced, and  she loves us with such an unconditional and passionate love. Today I imagined for a moment what my future would be like if something were to happen to my mother, and the thought scared me, and made me realize how blessed I am by God. He has given me such an amazing mother, and one that I can look up to. That is why I ask for prayer today, for anyone who might be reading this. My Mom has been experiencing constant headaches for about 2 years now, and she finally went in to the doctor on Saturday for an MRI. The results came back today that there is some white mass spreading in her brain. The doctors are unsure of what it is, but he ruled out a tumor or cancer, which were my first and worst thoughts when my Mom told me this morning. Now, my Mom needs to go see a radiologist and find out what is causing the pain and spreading in her brain. I know God has this situation under control, and I pray that by finding out what is causing the pain in my Mom's head they will be able to treat it. It is still a bit unsettling, however, not to know what it is, and how potentially dangerous it could be. The Lord works all things out according to His plan, and I trust Him now as I always have. I just pray that He would ease my Mom's heart as well as she awaits the final verdict in this situation. She tends to worry extensively, and I pray that this time she would find a peace within herself from God to carry her through this situation. I think this whole situation will help me realize how blessed my life is, and how miniscule my problems are in comparison with others around me. God desires for me to be more concerned and focused on my Mom, and others suffering life- threatening or severe conditions, and not on my body and my self image. He is continuing to mold me into a more confident and outward focused person, rather than consumed with my own worldly thoughts and desires. And for that, I am so thankful for His molding. He is the potter, and I strive everyday to be flexible enough to be His clay. Whatever He desires to make me into, I pray I will be willing to comply. 

Fun to Frusturation

     I just got back from an amazing weekend in the mountains backpacking with my Dad. It was awesome weather, campsites, and hiking all around. We left Friday afternoon, camped a few miles up the trail Friday night, hiked to the top of Mt. San Jacinto Saturday, and then hiked down today. It was an incredible time of reflection and relaxation for me, in the midst of the humid uphill hiking, and it was great to get to spend time with and talk  to my Dad. We are so much alike in so many ways, and talking to him gives me so much insight into my own life and my own personality and flaws. Thankfully, we didn't talk about my weight or exercising at all, which was a nice reprieve, but we did talk a lot about the Bible, God, relationships, and my future. Being in the mountains was such a peaceful experience for me, and coming back to real life is a bit of a bummer. I wish I could stay up there all the time, but reality must come into play at some time. Unfortunately, from about the moment I got home, the problems with my Mom started up again. It is so frusturating for me, and for her I imagine, how we can't get along. I admit, I am a bit closed with her, because I feel she is so hard to talk to, and our personalities are so opposite. But I think God is revealing to me that I need to work past these problems and get to the root of why my Mom and I can't live in harmony with one another. She was upset today because my Dad and I hadn't called her when we got to our campsite Friday night. We tried about 5 times, but there was no reception. She went on to say that we never think about her, and all the other arguments and emotions that come out whenever conflict arises. I think God really needs to help me to learn how to relate to my Mom, and how to comfort and reassure her that yes, I do think about and love her. But honestly, only with God's help will I be able to make any progress. 

     On a happier note, today is my sister Cari's 14th birthday, and we are all going out to dinner and church tonight to celebrate. I can't believe she is 14 already! I am so thankful to be here with her to help celebrate this happy day. Cari and I have gotten a lot closer this summer, and we have spent a lot more time together, talking and playing games, and everything else. It will be a lot harder for me to say goodbye to her in a few weeks than it has been in the past, but I am so thankful God has opened up our relationship into something much deeper. If only He could help my Mom and I.

Renounce the Agreements

Today I am up in Idyllwild working at the summer camp I worked at last summer. For some reason, this place always reconnects me with God in amazing way, and today is no exception. I think it is probably the mountains that surround the camp, and the quiet times I get to have without distractions with the Lord. As I was doing my devotion a few minutes ago, I read part of the book I am in called "Captivating" that hit me right where I was at today. The author was saying that we have to renounce the agreements we have made with the world. She gave an example prayer that said, "Jesus, forgive me for embracing these lies. This is not what you have said to me. You said I am your daughter, your beloved, your cherished one. I renounce the arguments I made with the world in thinking I am not pretty enough/ skinny enough. I renounce the agreements I've been making with these messages for years. Bring the truth here, oh Spirit of truth, I reject these lies." I realized as I read this how true it is for me. I have come to believe that society is correct in its skewed image of beauty, and if I don't fit it then I must not be beautiful. The world and worldly things have had a much stronger hold on me than I wanted to admit. Now, however, God is showing me that these messages are wrong. God made everyone different, and we are not all destined to be model- skinny. He created us beautifully in His image, and He thinks we are perfectly made. His opinion is the only one that matters, I thank God that I am now starting to understand and appreciate the worth I have in Christ Jesus. Once I realize this worth I know I will be able to pass the knowledge and understanding He has taught me on to others, and that will be an even greater blessing. (Written Wednesday, 7/9) 

Progress

Today felt like a day of progress! I definitely feel as if I am slowly, but surely, learning how to overcome satan's power in my life, and it feels amazing. I am now at the goal weight that I am supposed to be at, or almost there, and I feel good about it. I know that 5 pounds is not going to make a difference looks wise, but it may be a good change for my health. I think it was overcoming those anxious and worldly feelings about the number of pounds I weighed. I know now that if it benefits my health in the long term, then it is definitely worth gaining extra weight. I feel as if I have come so far in such a short time, and it feels so uplifting. After the draining and depressed week that I had previous to this weekend, it is great to feel as if I am letting God take control of my life, and not leaving it to satan. Tonight, at about 10:00, I was even able to eat a big bowl of cereal and not feel guilty about it being late and being too many calories before bed. I realize now that God does not want me to live this way. Yes, He wants me to be healthy and eat a healthy and balanced diet, but it should not consume my thoughts too much, or limit what I do and eat all the time. Everything in moderation should be the motto I use more often that my previous one of you don't need to eat that. My brain has been so trained into saying that over and over to myself, and denying my body the calories that it needs to function at its peak level. God is definitely opening my eyes to His plans for me, and I can already tell how great and glorifying they are going to be. I don't want my mind to be consumed with thoughts of food and how to limit fat and calories, but on God and how to serve Him best! 

Genuine Beauty

I think most women would say they are dissatisfied with their bodies in some sense. There are few women who have come to accept themselves for the beautiful creation that God made them. I am definitely one of those women who struggles daily to understand and accept that God made me the way that I am for a reason. I know He has a plan through my life, and that includes every detail of my life, every hair on my head, and every other part of my body. He wants me to be satisfied with the way He made me, and not try to change or go against His plan for me. I am currently reading a book called "Captivating" by Stasi Eldredge, and it is amazing how much it parallels what I am going through at this time. My struggle involves admitting to myself, and more importantly, to God, that I accept the way He created me, and I value my health more than my physical appearance. The devil has created lies that flood my head all day long and tell me that I am not thin enough, and gaining weight would change the opinions of everyone around me. I am slowly trying to fight against the lies that satan is telling me, and I know I can, with God's help. In 'Captivating", the author writes about the age-old question that every girl asks herself, and needs to answer, to become comfortable and accepting of her own beauty. Women ask themselves, "am I lovely?", or "Do people think I am beautiful?". Sadly, however, most women doubt that they even have beauty to unveil and be seen. I am definitely one who does not believe I am beautiful. For my entire life, my parents have told me I was beautiful, and my dad even calls me "gorgeous" at all times. Coming from them, however, I felt that it was a conditioned response- something they were required to say as parents. Somehow, no matter how many times I heard them tell me I was beautiful, I still sought after worldly beauty, which involved mainly being thin. I thrive on people telling me I look good, or that I am lucky to be so skinny. I never thought about the fact that by keeping myself thinner to fit the world's standards, I was going against God's desire for me. When we try and control things in our lives, we are refusing to trust that God is correct. By trying to keep myself thinner than what is healthy for my body, I am arguing that God did not create me in His image, and that I am perfect in His eyes. It has taken me a long time to reach the place where I can actually write and understand this concept, but I am beginning to see it more and more each day. God is amazing, and I can feel His presence so strongly in my life; guiding me to where I need to be to surrender all areas of my life to Him. Praise be to God, and His patience and understanding. Without it, I would be lost. 

Breaking Free

From the last time I wrote, sadly not much has changed. I still feel confused, unsure of what to do, and weary of trying to change. I know change will be beneficial in the long run, but at this moment, I wish I could just ignore everything my parents are yelling at me, and just live my life as I want to live it. God is slowly showing me, however, that my way of living is not working to the best of my ability. When my health begins to suffer because of the choices I make, whether I want to admit it or not, I need to make changes to help alter the path I am going down. I wish I didn't have this struggle, but I do, and there is no way to overcome it except through prayer, reading of the Bible, and daily making an effort to draw closer to God and listen to His will for me. Right now, I feel as if I am breaking free of an addiction. And no, I don't want to never do the things I love to do, but I want to learn how to find a balance in my life. Only through this balance will I be able to maintain my health and the lifestyle choices that I enjoy. The thing that is frusturating me the most today is my parent's rules for me. They have made standards that I need to reach before I can return to my normal routine. I am frusturated, and feel  as if I am being treated as a young child once again. I don't want to have to force myself to do something only to please them. I want to do it because I feel God telling me to. I think that is one of the biggest problems I have; admitting to myself that a change is necessary. No matter how many times I tell myself that it is a small change, and no significant negative reprocussions will be caused by it, I can't help but feel frantic at the thought of it. Yes, it is a small change, but when I have been focusing my energy for so long on not allowing this change to happen in my life and in my body, it is hard to turn around and admit that I need to, and to do it. I have been telling my parents for the past 6-9 months that I will make the change they asked me to gradually, but I never have. Why is that? Why am I so scared of this change? The devil has such a hold on my thoughts that he has mutated me into thinking that this change will alter the way people look at and view me, as a person on both the inside and especially on the outside. Logically thinking about this, I know that it is not true. My true friends and family would not care at all. When I think the situation through, I know this, but somehow thinking about it always sends shivers down my spine. If only there wasn't so much pressure in our society to be thin, I don't know that this issue would be so important and consuming to me. But, the sad truth is, that it is and I feel at a loss. Please continue to pray for me. I feel so confused, and unsure of what  to do next. More to come. 

Captivity

At the moment, I feel as if I am in captivity. Satan currently has a strong hold on many aspects of my life, and up until the other day, I had been denying it for some time. As much as I wanted to make excuses for myself and admit that I had all matters, especially one, under control, I didn't, and I definitely don't today. God has been working on my heart for sometime, and I know now that He was trying to get me to admit that what I thought was control was actually obsession. Where I crossed the line and let satan take control of my life, I don't know, but now I find myself at a strange crossroads. I have to choose whether to fight against satan and resist what he is telling me, and listen to what God and my parents are saying. Up until yesterday, I laughed at my parent's worries and concerns, but last night and today, in the midst of my tears and wild run of emotions, I know that they were right all along. My view of myself and my life are skewed, and God has and is continuing to make that clear to me, with time. It will definitely be a long process for me, and a tough one not to fall back into, but I know God can help me through anything, especially this. He desires for me to be free of obsessions and captivity so I can fully serve Him. I don't want anything holding me back, and at the moment, this area of my life definitely is. The argument I had with my parents and my emotional breakdown are both too fresh in my mind currently to write any specifics on my situation, but eventually I will be able to. If you are reading this, please pray for me and my convictions. I want to hear God's voice speaking to my heart, and not have the devil and his lies be in the way. I plan on writing a lot more about this issue, and any others. It is so freeing for me to get my thoughts and emotions out onto paper. Thanks for reading