Call Upon The Holy Spirit

I feel like I'm suffocating. I honestly feel like I have no control over my mind sometimes. The thoughts that plague me are so intense, and sometimes so unrelenting, that I feel they will never end. I feel sometimes like I am going through an addiction that I am trying to break, and failing. I know that these thoughts are put in my mind by satan, the ultimate liar and deceiver, but there is no way that I can stop them sometimes. I try and read the Bible and pray, but sometimes nothing seems to work. And the frustrating thing is that one minute, it feel fine and in control, but the next I am completely consumed with feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness. Tonight I couldn't even think of one good thing about my personality. All I could think about was the negative side of it, and wonder why anyone would want to be friend with me. Satan kept pounding into my head thoughts like, "Why would anyone hang out with you, you have such a dead personality?" which I feel is true so often. So many people in my life are so happy and energetic. and then there is me. I can be energetic sometimes, but it happens so rarely that I sometimes forget what it feels like to be joyful. That is how I feel right now. Nothing about me feels like it would be captivating or appealing to anybody, especially to a potential boyfriend. I feel so... unattractive and boring, both look wise and with my personality. I am so frustrated because I feel like I have been making so much progress in my attempts to combat this self image problem that satan has plagued me with, but then there are nights like tonight when I am so unsure about everything, and it feels like the walls all come crashing down on the foundation that I have been trying so hard to build up. I know God does not want me to feel this way, but it seems so hard to get past this right now. I just want to lay in my bed and cry, but then I think that I can't do that because then I would just gain weight...and then I would think of myself as even less attractive. It seems like I have entered a never-ending cycle that I can't get out of, without them help of my Lord and savior. I know He has given me the Holy Spirit for times such as this, and I pray that I would be able to find and use the spirit within me tonight, and on many night like this one to come.

Homesick, but for what?

As I write today, I feel like I need to be somewhere else. I feel as if God is calling me to be somewhere where I feel more comfortable, and like I can serve Him and not get into a daily routine and rut. Somedays, I feel as if God has called me to be here in Chico, and this is truly where I should be to be serving Him to the best of my ability. I need to learn how to serve Him anywhere I am before I go out and serve Him in the world around me. But then somedays, like today, I feel like so many trivial and miniscule things get in my way here. Like today, for instance, I woke up in a horrible mood because of problems with my roommates. I feel so left out of their lives, and their daily activities. They do so many things together, just the two of them, and it hurts me so much when they don't invite me to do those things with them. I feel as if they have their own little club and I am not part of it. But when I think about this, I always think that if I was truly serving God and had my focus on Him, these small things would not be such of a big deal to me. Why do I have to get so upset about these things? And then I launched into an entirely different thought process, where it was completely my fault, and the reasons they don't include me must have something to do with me, and I am the one to blame. Then I begin to feel insecure, and try to analyze what it is about me that I am not doing correctly. I can't figure it out, though, and it seems as though I have gone through this thought process a hundred times. I never really considered myself an incredibly sensitive person, but the more I analyze it, the more I think I am. Little things get to me, and the main problem, I have discovered, is that I hold in all my emotions and feelings until I am about to burst, and then they all come flooding out. When they do, the person I explode at is usually confused as to why I am so upset, and it seems as though I have blown it out of proportion, which I'm sure I have. I just wish that I could feel more secure with who I am, and not constantly analyze and try to figure out what I did wrong. When I am focusing so much on relationships and trying to be accepted and liked by those around me, my relationship with God is taking a beating. I can't be as close to Him if I constantly have things in the way that are bogging me down, like I do now. I have discovered that I need to try and get things off of my chest as they occur, and not wait until later on, when it is too late to be affective. Like today, for example, I was really hurt because my roommates decided to dress up for a CRU event that we had last night. It was Western themed, but they wanted to be different, which I think it awesome. I came home yesterday to find them making costumes. When I asked them what they were doing, they said no one could know, because it was a surprise. I was really hurt that they hadn't even asked to include me. Would it really have been so hard to ask if I wanted to be involved as well? It's things like that that have made my living environment not completely comfortable to me. I wish I could just come back to my apartment and feel completely accepted and loved, like at my house at home, but I don't. Most of the time, I avoid coming home because I feel alienated and alone when I am here. I would rather surround myself with people who are actually interested in hanging out with me, and including me. I have begun to wonder lately if my roommates chose to live with me out of obligation, or convenience. It is cheaper to have a 3 bedroom apartment, especially since my best friend from home lives here too. They probably felt bad that I wouldn't have a place to live if I didn't live with them. I feel the same way with my roommate who is getting married. I feel like she just asked me to be in her wedding because she asked our other roommate, and she didn't want to leave me out. We have not connected at all this year, and it makes me wonder so much about their motives for so many things. I just wish God could place me instantly in a new situation that would be easier to follow Him in. I am so sick of being so distracted by things of this earth, and not fully giving myself over to God. I know He has placed me here to overcome these issues, instead of avoid them, but I feel so tired of being the only one that cares. I am at the point now where I want someone else to be the one who puts effort into a relationship with me, not just me. I feel like I have been giving so much of myself to others, and getting so little in return. I need to take time to be filled up again, rejuvenated through Christ, and then I can overcome these things...

Sorry it has bee na while since I last had time to write! These past three weeks have been crazy, but in an incredibly good way! God has been opening so many doors, and I feel He is giving me energy I never knew that I had to accomplish the tasks He has placed in front of me. CRU began two weeks ago, and we are having our third meeting tonight. God has blessed us with a large group this year, and I pray that they will all continue to come, even as the weeks and months go by. Also, small groups have begun, which has opened up another door of business for me. Being a co-leader, I was asked to help make all of the new freshman and transfer students in CRU feel welcome, but especially in my own Bible study. There are about 20 girls, and I have had the opportunity to talk to all of them at one point or another. Now, I am trying to build and deepen relationships even more by askign them out for coffee, or lunch. It has been amazing, and such a growing experience for me so far, and I pray that it continues to be in the future as well.
Classes have been going extremely well also. I dropped one of the classes I was initially signed up for, which means that I am only enrolled in 14 units, which is the least I have ever taken. It is amazing though, and I have been blessed so far with only minimum amounts of homework. I am also enjoying the classes I am taking, which helps make them oh so much more bearable. God has definitely blessed me in allowing me not to have too much homework to occupy my evenings and weekends, which makes much more time for social events.
As far as spiritually, I feel I have been doing ok. Not as well as I would like to be doing, but I have definitely been feeling God moving. I have not put enough time and effort into making time for God daily, which is something I feel I need to do more of, but I am working daily to try and set aside more time. I find that if I do my devotion first thing in the morning, I am more productive and focused all day long. If I wait until night time, I am usually too tired, or just don't feel like putting my remaining time and energy into deciphering the Bible. I am so blessed, though, because God has allowed me to be part of CRU's discipleship this semester, which ivolves me have a Bible study weekly with the CRU female leaders. We have only had one meeting so far, but it was so refreshing, and I can tell it is going to be a much needed time when I can be filled up by those Godly women God has placed in my life. I am also glad because the group I am in is very small, there are only 2 of us and then the leaders, which I really enjoy. I find I can connect so much more, and on so much more of a deeper level when I am only surrounded with a few people, than if it was a larger group.
CRU, school, and work are taking up the majority of my time, but I have also had so many opportunities to have fun, go hiking, go jet skiing, hang out with friends, and countless other things. This year is beginning to seem like a repeat of last year, only better and more comfortable, since I feel establishes now and able to step out and follow where God is leading me this year. My only concern is that I am taking on too much, as always, but so far I have been ok. Thankfully, I am managing my time pretty well, and for that I feel so grateful! God is good, and He provides and meets all of our needs! Have a blessed day :0)

The First Week

(Friday 8/29) This has been an incredibly tiring, but also fulfilling first week of school for me. Both in a physical and spiritual sense, I feel like God has been teaching me so much, stretching me, and revealing His plan for me. Starting Sunday, I have been meeting the new members of CRU, mainly freshman and transfer students and getting to know them. I can't even count the number of people I have gone up to and started conversations with, and the entire process has been so tiring! It is definitely not my first instinct to go up to people I don't even know and act outgoing and friendly, and to keep a conversation going. God has definitely been giving me strength and the words to speak, because I would not have lasted very long on my own! I have always been so afraid and timid when it comes to talking to new people, but for some reason I have been feeling strangely at peace and excited even to talk new people. Conversation has been something I always considered a weakness, but I know now that God has other plans for me. Just today I was reading in Exodus 3 and 4, where Moses was sent by God to Egypt to free the Israelites. As I read his excuses when summoned by God, I was taken back by how similar they appeared to my own. With God all things are possible, and He desires to use any willing heart to serve Him. Moses felt he was ill-equipped for the task that God has given him, but he ended up being used by God to do miraculous things. I feel as if God has been breaking me down to realize that I can be used, and I desire to be used, and if I allow God to stretch and use me, He will. Yesterday, for example, I went to Jon and Bon's with some of the CRU leaders and new girls from CRU. Then after, Annemarie and I stayed downtown at the Farmer's Market. We decided earlier this week we wanted to begin evangelizing, so we started last night. We prayed before we started, and during our prayer a lady sat down next to us. We decided that this was a sign from God to talk to her, so we went over and started a conversation. After a few minutes, Annemarie brought up CRU, and then we jumped into the new kind of evangelism we are trying out. It involves asking the person if they think they are a good person, then asking the person if they think they are a good person, then asking if we can judge that based on the Ten Commandments. After this, we asked if they think, based on their answer, that they're going to heaven. The story of Jesus comes in next. The first lady we talked to said no to the Ten Commandments question, but we still spent a few minutes chatting with her about the Bible and God. Then, we went to talk to another girl. It was now my turn to bring up CRU into the conversation. At first, I was nervous and stumbled over my words, a bit, but then I suddenly felt this change inside of me, and it was as if God was talking over, I don't even remember what I said, but I kept talking and asking questions. She seemed interested and even said she would try and come to CRU. After we left, I was filled with such joy of the Lord! I have never felt such a joyful feeling, and I felt as if this was what I was made for. God called us to tell others about Him, and the feeling it gave me was indescribable. God has been calling me to tell others about His name my entire Christian life, but only now did I fully try and listen and answer His call. I pray that yesterday would have been a turning point for me, and from now on I would feel overwhelmed by my strong desire to serve Him.

Restoring the Old Testament

For as long as I can remember, I have enjoyed reading the New Testament. I feel like it can be applied so easily to my life, and I can gather so much wisdom and knowledge for my daily life from its pages. The Old Testament, however, is like another book altogether. Every time I attempt to read it, I am lost and confused, and unsure of how it can be applicable to my life. The other day, though, I started to read Numbers, because for the past few months I have been convicted to start reading the Old Testament once again. I read through Genesis, and I was amazed at how much I learned! I had heard the stories of Abraham, Isaac, Jacob and Joseph countless times, but reading about all the details was much more insightful and helpful. Then, I decided to begin reading Numbers with a friend of mine, and as we were reading it, I was amazed at the details inside of its chapters. We read chapters 1 and 2, which were about the 12 tribes of Israel. I had never really thought about or studied the tribes before, but as I was reading about them, and taking in the details written, I was overcome with awe and amazement. A picture so clear came into my head that I was overwhelmed by the details of it. In Numbers, it says that the 12 tribes of Israel were camped next to Mt. Sinai after they were delivered from Egypt. They totaled 603,550 men over the age of 20. That is only men, not including children or women, or men who did not fight in the wars. For some reason, whenever I had thought about this story, I had pictured 23 tribes of about 50 to 100 people each, all camped out near each other. I never grasped the concept of that large of a group gathered together, being led through the desert by God and having the Ten Commandments delivered to them by Moses. No wonder God divided them into 12 different tribes! A group of that size would have been impossible to manage in one group. After reading these chapters, I began to think about all the other amazing stories in the Bible, and they became even more unbelievable before my eyes. I pictured millions of people being led out of Egypt, which would have later become these 12 tribes. I pictured the magnificent Ark after Noah had built it to fit 2 of each animal on the entire earth. Just because these events happened in Biblical times does not mean that the groups of people involved were small and insignificant. God was performing miracles, and He wanted as many people as possible to see them and come to believe in Him. I am so thankful that God gave me this amazing picture, and helped make the Old Testament real to me once again.

The New Covenant of Christ

This morning, I was reading chapter 8 of Hebrews, and it is an amazing chapter! In it, God describes the old and new covenants He made with His people. I had never really understood how different they were, until now. The old covenant was a list of rules and regulations used to guide the people of Israel, and to instruct them in how God wanted them to behave. The new covenant is an internal one, where God places the Holy Spirit inside of us, and it guides us to do what God desires for us to do. In reading this, I discovered several prominent changes between the old and new covenants. In the old covenant, for example, sacrifices were made by the people for their sins. Now, however, Christ sacrificed Himself so that we no longer have to sacrifice. The old covenant also focused on a physical building as the main holy place to enter into the presence of God, but now Christ reigns in each of our hearts. External standards and rules were the foundation of the old covenant, but in the new covenant, internal standards, and a new heart are what guides us. Forgiveness was earned in the old covenant, ad now it is given freely through Christ. Also, in the old covenant, only some were allowed to enter, strictly those who were not Gentiles. But now, God allows anyone and everyone to enter into His Kingdom. The change that sticks out the most to me, however, is the access to God that is available to us. In the old covenant, only the high priests were allowed to communicate with God, and even then it had to be in a very specific way. Now, we are all allowed to communicate with Christ, anywhere and anytime. How amazing is that!

After reading this chapter, I was struck by how thankful and blessed I am to be living in the time of the new covenant. I get to choose whether or not to accept Christ, and follow Him, and when I do, I a blessed with the Holy Spirit in return! What an incredible gift God grants to us. I think about all the people I have read about in the Old Testament, and I am mystified by how they serve and follow the Lord. I am always incredulous that they do not believe in God, time and time again, even though miracles are occuring all around them! It seems like a no brainer to me when, for example, a cloud is leading you by day out of Egypt, and a flame by night, that it is God, but the Israelites continued to falter. As I think more deeply about it, however, I realize that they did not have the Holy Spirit in them, telling them that it truly was God. I didn't realize how amazing the Holy Spirit really is until now. Without it, believing in Christ and His death and resurrection would simply be another theory that is thrown around, and people would search for the truth based on facts, and not faith. I am thankful that I do not have to search any longer, and that God has granted me the Holy Spirit through the new covenant He has made with all of His creations. He has truly written His laws in my mind and on my heart. If you are wondering what is so amazing about Christ's covenant, check it out in Hebrews 8: 7-12, and also in Jeremiah 31:31-34. Have a blessed day!

Contentment

I discovered today there is a difference between being content and being complacent. God tells us over and over again not to be complacent, or stuck in where we are. He wants us to branch out and find new things, try new things, and take chances for His sake. But, I think He also wants us to be content with where He has us currently in our lives. That is definitely something I struggle with often, and today I feel frusturated by it. For example, when I was home with my family, I wanted to be in Chico, and now that I've been in Chico for a little while, I want to be back home again. I feel like I should be able to be content and happy wherever God places me, but it is much harder for me to do than I imagined it would be. I feel like I am always seeking and searching for what I don't have, and I am sick of it. I want God to be in control of my life completely, and I want to feel full confidence in what He is doing in my life.
Relationship wise, for example, I have always been a bit challenged. When I begin to have feelings for someone, I get excited and want to spend time with them get to know them, and have me like them back. But as soon as I feel that they do in fact feel the same way, my feelings change, and it is no longer a chase, or a challenge. Up until recently, that had happened several times for me, but now I see the opposite way as well. If someone I like shows interest, and then begins to show a lack of interest once again, then I am once again intrigued and challenged. I don't think this is the way God wanted relationships to be, and I have been praying earnestly that He would change my views of this, and help me to be able to realize a healthy relationship when one comes my way.
I know this process of being content with what God has blessed me with, but still keeping myself from becoming complacent in my faith will be a process that takes time. God is faithful, however, and I am sure that He will guide me and help me find a perfect balance in this area, as in all others in my life. Until then, I pray I would not ruin relationships or anything else along the way!